Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Is rock bottom really the place to start?

Ever get to that place where you go to get dressed for work and you have two clothing choices in your closet? Now, I’m not saying literally (because my closet is full. Ok, over full, but who’s counting…okay I counted Chad’s shirts once, but I’m sure you get my point!)…where was I? So, two choices out of a full closet; and you ask yourself how this could even remotely be possible. Didn’t you just buy a new pair of pants? A new shirt? Hmmm, how did this happen?

rock-bot•tom [rok-bot-uh m]
at the lowest possible limit or level; extremely low: rock-bottom prices.

And that would be where I sit. But I have no intention of staying here very long. I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and am moving in a positive direction. Been here, done this. But hey, it’s a journey and I’m never one to say no to a journey. The only thing is – I want it to be different this time. I want the reality on the outside to live up to the wishes, goals and dreams that go on inside my head. I need to get rid of the thoughts that haunt.

I have this fear. I have a fear that I am going to be “that mom”, the one that can’t keep up with her child. The one that is always out of breath and wanting to sit...the one that holds her child back so she doesn’t get left behind. And I’m mad at myself. I am mad that I have let it get this far out of control for me. This is where this turns into a very emotional place for me. And wow, this is getting much more serious and personal than I had set out to write.

Almost two years ago we lost Chad’s mom (one day I will devote an entire post to Judy, I promise! She was pretty cool in that mid-west woman kinda way!). Today in order to place the focus where it is relevant, I need to keep this simple. So for intents and purposes let’s just say that she did not take care of herself when she needed to. I have a feeling that by the time she realized this simple fact, it was too late to change her ways. Well, after she passed, I went through the grieving process and tried my best to help Chad through it as well. But, to be honest, after the sadness subsided…I was pissed! Yes, I know the step in the grieving process is “anger”…but I was more than angry! I was pissed because my son (who was only 1 at the time) is never going to know that he had such an amazing grandma and that she loved him so much. I kept wondering; if she knew that she was going to have this amazing little person in her life earlier, would she have done things different to give herself more time with him? Would she have taken better care of herself when it would have made a difference? Definitely rhetorical questions…but I realize it is one that I don’t want asked about me someday.

Now maybe it’s a little over dramatic, but there has to be a point where you stop asking the questions…where you just realize you can’t turn back, you have already gone way too far down that road. I however, do not want to find out where that point is. I need to fix it now. I need to take control of my life, of my health and of my future.

Starting today…that is what I am going to do!

So now we are in countdown mode. Countdown to my impending Bitchdom!


Two nights later, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. It does need to be said that I did have a fortunate detour on the diet trail through the “house of meat” – ok, so maybe not the house of meat, but a Brazilian Steak House (same thing!). It was nice to enjoy the evening out and I successfully did not have a cocktail - a feat for which I am very proud. But, all in all, the journey so far is pretty good. I am eating lots of healthy foods, no alcohol (for at least one week) and very, very limited caffeine. The best part is…that I am surviving. Hopefully tomorrow will go just as well.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Hot Dog and the Gold Medal

So finally, an urge or a little inspiration has finally gotten me to sit down and write. My friend Jess (actually closer to a niece!), but friend too, told me that she was waiting for me to blog…waiting for that little bit of Jenn that would what…give her entertainment? Make her laugh? Or maybe just help her to kill some time in between her bouts of being amazing? Who knows! Well tonight it finally hit me.

I just spent the evening watching the Olympic Games and the amount of emotion that I am feeling right now is so overwhelming, so consuming, that I needed to find an outlet. The weird thing is that I’m not a writer, so why the sudden need to write? Hmm.

I felt like crying when Shaun White won gold. Crying over snowboard half pipe? How could you not cry? How many times in a person’s life will they have the opportunity that he just had? He had the opportunity to just go out there and hot dog it – the chance to not only BE the best, but then to go out there and enjoy it. To stick his tongue out and say nah, nah, nah nah boo boo! What a day at work! When was the last time you got to do that? Will you ever get to do that? I just might give it a try next time I have a moment of greatness at work…I’ll report back how that goes over.

Of course my mood then shifted a little - I started thinking that as a mom of a little boy (and a Colorado native to boot) – someday he might want to do that, hot dog it in a snow half pipe like Shaun White. Oh help me. Ok, enough on that thought.

Well before the whole waterworks over the snowboarding episode, I was cheering when Lindsey Vonn won her gold medal. Simply amazing! And she did it injured. How many times have you thought of calling out of work for a headache, a cold? She just won a gold medal with a shin injury that would have most of us in the hospital. Personally, I would probably be in traction (come on…y’all know my threshold for pain). Why can’t we all have that same drive, that same energy? What does it take to feel like that? I can’t stop asking myself what is it that she knows, that someone like my (hopefully, soon-to-be-ex) brother-in-law can't even get a glimpse of? And of course…I got angry.

So I went from excited and cheering, to crying and proud…and then found myself angry. It is simply amazing to me how closely tied our emotions are. The reality is that I have spent a lot of time being angry lately…so I wasn’t particularly surprised. But I knew that I had to shift it back…so I started to think about the “podium worthy” moments of my day…

Today, I won the gold medal at being a mom! I sang the “poopie on the potty song” to my little boy who was so proud that he actually did it on the potty today (subsequent tries were not as successful, but credit where credit is due people). Oh, I guess I should mention that I sang this song in the parking lot of daycare – with the accompaniment of our part-time nanny, Kris. Yup, it was a proud moment.

And I think I take home the bronze for my good wife efforts. I would have liked another gold, but it was a tough crowd tonight. I definitely lost points for making spaghetti for dinner – I’m sorry, I can eat spaghetti for dinner and not be overcome by the evil carb guilt – forever will we disagree on this. Besides tonight I couldn’t help it, it was quick and easy. Carbohydrates aside, I tried to regain my position, by giving him a little pep talk. I know that sounds lame, but I really meant it when I told him that everything is going to be okay, and really, I believe that.

Hmm…I believe that! Not a bad note to go to bed on.