rock-bot•tom [rok-bot-uh m]
at the lowest possible limit or level; extremely low: rock-bottom prices.
And that would be where I sit. But I have no intention of staying here very long. I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and am moving in a positive direction. Been here, done this. But hey, it’s a journey and I’m never one to say no to a journey. The only thing is – I want it to be different this time. I want the reality on the outside to live up to the wishes, goals and dreams that go on inside my head. I need to get rid of the thoughts that haunt.
I have this fear. I have a fear that I am going to be “that mom”, the one that can’t keep up with her child. The one that is always out of breath and wanting to sit...the one that holds her child back so she doesn’t get left behind. And I’m mad at myself. I am mad that I have let it get this far out of control for me. This is where this turns into a very emotional place for me. And wow, this is getting much more serious and personal than I had set out to write.
Almost two years ago we lost Chad’s mom (one day I will devote an entire post to Judy, I promise! She was pretty cool in that mid-west woman kinda way!). Today in order to place the focus where it is relevant, I need to keep this simple. So for intents and purposes let’s just say that she did not take care of herself when she needed to. I have a feeling that by the time she realized this simple fact, it was too late to change her ways. Well, after she passed, I went through the grieving process and tried my best to help Chad through it as well. But, to be honest, after the sadness subsided…I was pissed! Yes, I know the step in the grieving process is “anger”…but I was more than angry! I was pissed because my son (who was only 1 at the time) is never going to know that he had such an amazing grandma and that she loved him so much. I kept wondering; if she knew that she was going to have this amazing little person in her life earlier, would she have done things different to give herself more time with him? Would she have taken better care of herself when it would have made a difference? Definitely rhetorical questions…but I realize it is one that I don’t want asked about me someday.
Now maybe it’s a little over dramatic, but there has to be a point where you stop asking the questions…where you just realize you can’t turn back, you have already gone way too far down that road. I however, do not want to find out where that point is. I need to fix it now. I need to take control of my life, of my health and of my future.
Starting today…that is what I am going to do!
So now we are in countdown mode. Countdown to my impending Bitchdom!
Two nights later, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. It does need to be said that I did have a fortunate detour on the diet trail through the “house of meat” – ok, so maybe not the house of meat, but a Brazilian Steak House (same thing!). It was nice to enjoy the evening out and I successfully did not have a cocktail - a feat for which I am very proud. But, all in all, the journey so far is pretty good. I am eating lots of healthy foods, no alcohol (for at least one week) and very, very limited caffeine. The best part is…that I am surviving. Hopefully tomorrow will go just as well.